“How can I support a neurodivergent team member if they don’t tell me they’re neurodivergent?”
That’s the question I recently received from a manager in a leadership session on neurodiversity at a large technology company.
The question clearly came from a good place.
But instead of answering it directly, I suggested reframing it.
Because underlying the original question is a common misconception:
That someone has to come forward and say they’re autistic or ADHD (or any other type of neurodivergence) before you can offer them the understanding and support they need at work.
Let me explain why this isn’t true, and what I suggested asking instead.
Three reasons why support shouldn’t depend on labels
1. Sharing your neurodivergence is a choice, not an obligation.
Labels can deepen our understanding of each other, but they shouldn’t be the starting point. Many neurodivergent people don’t feel safe disclosing their diagnosis to their manager or co-workers, often out of fear of stigma and judgment. That doesn’t mean their manager or co-workers are terrible people. The hesitation to open up may simply reflect a lifelong experience of trauma.
In my case, it took me 16 years before I finally felt comfortable being open about being autistic at work, even though I’d been fortunate to have supportive managers who likely would have welcomed that openness much earlier. I also know neurodivergent people who, out of principle, choose to keep their diagnosis private. And that’s to be respected as well.
We can’t expect people to be open about their neurodivergence, or worse, put psychological pressure on them to take this step when they’re not ready for it.
2. Every neurodivergent individual is different.
As I argued in the previous edition of A Different Lens, a label only tells you so much. No two neurodivergent people are the same. There’s no general manual for how to support neurodivergent people. When we take a mental shortcut from “This person is autistic/ADHD/etc.” to “I need to do X or Y to help them”, we risk offering the wrong kind of support.
Let’s take autism as an example. Nothing has been more helpful for me than having the flexibility to work from home, as I struggle with sensory overwhelm in offices. But I also know autistic colleagues who rely on the structure and routine of an office environment. They had a hard time adapting when they were forced to work from home during the pandemic. Same label, different needs.
3. Support doesn’t depend on knowing a label.
The good news is that even if you don’t know whether someone is neurodivergent, there’s still a lot you can do to support them.
If someone needs structure and routine, you can support them by giving clear instructions and avoiding unexpected changes. If they need to fidget or move around to focus, you can give them that space without judgment. None of this requires knowing their diagnosis or fully understanding how their brain works.
And that’s actually reassuring: you don’t have to be an expert in autism, ADHD, or any other form of neurodivergence to make a difference (though learning more about it can certainly help).
Alternative questions you can ask, regardless of labels
So, if we go back to the manager’s original question, where does this leave us?
What if you suspect someone might be neurodivergent, but they haven’t told you? How can you support them anyway?
The key is to ask more specific, actionable questions. Questions that focus on needs, not labels.
For example, you could ask a colleague:
- What kind of environment helps you do your best work?
(e.g., silence, a fixed desk, or the buzz of people around)
- How do you prefer to receive communication from me?
(e.g., verbal, written, and/or visual)
- What helps you feel most comfortable in group settings?
(e.g., time to think, freedom to step away, flexibility to move around)
- How can I best support you when you’re stressed?
(e.g., by giving space, checking in daily, helping to prioritize)
- Is there anything I can do to help you deliver on time?
(e.g., breaking projects down into smaller steps, written reminders)
These kinds of questions give you practical pointers. They show you care. And none of them requires a person to openly share their neurodivergence. They focus on the how and what of dealing with different work needs and preferences, while leaving it optional for people to explain why.
Best of all: everyone benefits from discussing them in a team, not just your neurodivergent colleagues.
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