Growth starts in your comfort zone, not outside it

We’re often told that personal growth happens outside our comfort zone.

But what if that’s only half the story, and not always the best starting point?

I recently had a conversation with a senior leader with ADHD who shared something that deeply resonated with my own experience as an autistic person.

His insight was simple yet powerful:

We need to find our comfort zone first, before we can outgrow it.

Take a moment to let that sink in.

• Could you describe what your comfort zone looks like?
• What images does it conjure, or what feelings does it evoke?
• What needs to be present for you to feel safe, and able to thrive?

The truth is that many of us – especially those who are neurodivergent – struggle to articulate what our comfort zone looks like.

And when we feel constant pressure to chase growth outside that zone, we risk never acknowledging what makes us feel comfortable in the first place. Or, worse, we start to feel shame for seeking what many of us long for most: safety.

When you spend years masking your differences, like I did when I was young, you never feel safe. You live in a perpetual state of inner discomfort, constantly doubting your abilities and questioning your experiences. You adapt to what you think others need from you, rather than reflecting on your own needs.

This painful reality reflects something I hear time and time again from neurodivergent people when they come up to me after my presentations:

“I like what you said about being clear about your needs with your manager and co-workers. But I don’t even know what my needs are.”

I can empathize deeply with this feeling because it’s exactly how I felt in my younger years.

At one point, I remember someone close to me asking me, “What do you want in life?” I had absolutely no idea, because I didn’t allow myself to have any wants. When I was tired and overwhelmed at work, I just kept pushing harder. When I craved solitude, I just went along for the social ride with others.

The problem is this:

True, authentic growth – the kind that aligns with your natural strengths, needs, and aspirations – becomes almost impossible when you spend all your energy on trying to be someone you are not.

Instead of driving ourselves into burnout by constantly stretching beyond our comfort zone, the real task for many of us is to first understand what our comfort zone looks like and then learn how to honor it.

Finding our comfort zone first

So, how do we find our comfort zone?

Only you can define what it looks like for you. But from my experience, three steps are critical:

1. We first need to identify the conditions we require to function well, potentially with help from a trusted person.
2. Then we need to learn to honor those conditions, rather than sacrificing them in the pursuit of fitting in.
3. Finally, we can start stretching ourselves in healthier ways, based on a clearer understanding of who we are and what we need to thrive.

Here are a few questions that have helped me reflect on what my comfort zone looks like. You may find some of them helpful too:

• Which environments make you feel at ease? And what is it about those spaces that creates that effect?
  ​Perhaps it’s the light, the quiet, the sense of structure, or the vibrant colors that stimulate your mind. It could be anything. Write down what your ideal environment looks like. Just like a child ideally begins exploring the world from a safe base, growth becomes possible when we have a secure foundation to return to – not when we’re constantly stressed.
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• Who are the people you feel most yourself with? And what is it about them that makes you feel safe, understood, and supported?
  ​One of the best mentors I ever had always highlighted what I did well. Always. Even when I felt I had made a terrible mistake. She would gently redirect my attention to things I had done well, which helped me feel grounded and confident to take on new tasks. Throughout my career, I’ve come to believe more in mentors who help us find our comfort zones than those who immediately want to push us outside them.
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• When do you feel most alive?
  ​This question matters because it reveals important clues about what we truly want in life, rather than what others want for us. Don’t ignore those signals. Give yourself permission to pursue them. I feel most alive when I’m writing or taking photos, letting my minder wander across vast and infinite landscapes. I didn’t always allow myself that creative space earlier in life. Now that I do, I get to grow in ways that feel true to me.
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• What boundaries, even tiny ones, could protect your energy?
  ​I know this is hard. But it’s crucial. Maybe it means declining a social invitation so you can say “yes” to something that matters more to you – or, to borrow a phrase from author Derek Sivers, something you can say “hell yeah” to. Bonus tip: his book Hell yeah or no: what’s worth doing is a short, thought-provoking read that will help you set better boundaries.

Help others find their comfort zone

Neurodivergent or not, we all do better when we understand what helps us thrive. Good coaches and leaders – like the one I spoke with recently – help us find these conditions. They make us feel safe by acknowledging rather than judging our struggles. They don’t rush us into stretch assignments we’re not ready for. They first gently guide us toward deeper self-understanding.

Only then can we begin to explore the world with a renewed sense of safety and direction, and grow into the truest version of ourselves – rather than forcing ourselves to become someone we are not.

Or, as this leader phrased it: “My task is to help others find their strengths first.”

That seems like a good starting point for everyone.